So, you meet someone. This is someone who you get along with. But not just in the usual way. You don’t just have things in common or have pleasant conversations. This person complements you so well. Spending time with them is all you ever want to do. They make you laugh whenever you’re with them. They make you smile even when they’re not there. They complain about how bad they look and you can’t understand it as they always look so beautiful to you. They bitch and complain and have bad moods and you just smile a little and give them a hug. This is someone you want to include in everything you do. No matter how amazing your life is, it’s not good enough if they’re not experiencing it with you.

And this person inexplicably feels the same about you. They’ve seen all your flaws and know every crack in your personality and they’re still there.

But then, you get a little paranoid. You can’t quite believe your life could be this good. You can’t believe that this person you hold in such high regard could really wish to be part of your life. You start thinking that they’ll forget you somehow. That one day they’ll wake up and realise that they’ve made a mistake. You think maybe they’ll decide someone else is better for them than you.

So you try to keep hold of them. You remind them of how you feel as much as you can. You’re on the lookout for anything that might steal them away. Anything that might end this. You grip too hard and you become what you’ve been scared of all along. You scare them and end up pushing them away. They still feel the same and know you do too and it upsets them and it’s not what they want but it has to be done.

And so you just worry even more. But you know about the mistake you’ve made now. You know what you did wrong. But you can’t fix things immediately and make them right. Instead you have to wait for them to decide what’s going on. And while that’s happening, you have to hide all the paranoia and insecurities and worrying from them. It’s worse than it was before and you have to control it even more. So you put it elsewhere. You put it somewhere that they won’t see it.

I love you, Bethan.