I didn’t know many people there. I stood awkwardly, trying not to catch anyone’s eye, wondering when someone I knew well would arrive. Sure I’d been invited, but only as a second thought. Everyone I knew had conspired to turn up much later and had left me in the lurch. I stood there, feeling like I would be found out at any moment. The host would suddenly realise he didn’t know me quite that well and would ask me to leave. I glanced around the room at the faces I didn’t know. Some of them were quite attractive, but that didn’t really matter, they were all otherwise engaged. They were all having fun, talking to people they actually knew. No one was caring about me, sat there in the corner, on my own. I tried to get into the party mood. I took a sip of my drink, hoping the alcohol would reach my veins quickly and help me to relax. It wasn’t working. I took a longer drink, willing it to make me feel better and for it to perform some kind of reality-warping feat that would make my friends arrive sooner. Nowhere is it more awkward to be alone than in a strip club.

-Alice

I’ve been feeling lonely a lot recently. It seems to happen a lot when I’m around you. It’s not that I want to be with you though. At least, not any more. It’s much more of an abstract feeling now. A feeling of just wanting to be with someone. It just seems to be that you’re the trigger. Being around you reminds me of what it was like. It reminds me of how good “together” could be. It reminds me that I’m missing out. When I look deep inside myself, I find that I’m a lot stronger than I always think I am. I find that I manage to always pull myself through things and get out of ruts. I don’t think this feeling is some sort of deficit on my part. I don’t think it’s something I can fix by improving myself. How exactly would I go about stopping being alone on my own? How exactly do I cuddle up with myself and feel close to myself? I feel like I should be strong and independent and only need myself to get by. But what’s so bad about wanting to share things? What’s wrong with wanting someone that you care about more than anyone?

-Alice

It was dark. I couldn’t see anything. The blackness enveloped me like deep velvet. I dared not move in case I stumbled and put myself into even deeper trouble than I was already in. I stood there, motionless, trying to breathe slowly. I couldn’t hear anything. There was no sound and nothing for my eyes to focus on. I just stood there, not moving. Breathing slowly, trying to slow my heart rate as best I could. Nothing to see, nothing to hear. I’m not sure if I could even smell anything. I could move my arms but there didn’t seem to be anything within reach. Still I hesitated. I’m not sure what I was standing on. Whether there was anything stable around what little I was standing on. So there I stood, unable to see or hear and unable to move. I just stood there waiting. Nothing to keep me company except my thoughts. I just stood there thinking. Most of the things I came up with were fairly inane. Things that didn’t matter. Things no one would care about but me. But I kept returning to one thing. It kept preying on my mind as I stood there in isolation. I kept thinking about how hungry I was.

-Alice

The wind caught me and I swayed slightly. I stood alone on the top of the small hill. Eyes closed, moving gently with the wind. I was listening. Listening to the sounds of that cool autumn day. I pulled my jacket close to me against the cold of the wind. It bit at my hands. I buttoned my jacket up and slid my hands into the warmth of my pockets. My eyes still closed, I began to wonder. I was wondering what the noises were. Whether that rustle was simply the wind or the sound of distant traffic. I wondered what other sounds were. Were they animals? Or just more wind? The wind was getting colder. I didn’t want to go back down the hill, though. I liked it up here. I was enjoying the solitude. I was enjoying being away from it all. Being unsociable. Being away from crowds of people. Away from the busyness of those crowds. The rush and the worry and the doubt. I liked it here. Here I could be myself. Here I could just be. Unfortunately, here I was still a loser.

-Alice